I am posting this both here and on my Balancing Kiwi blog. Yet again I woke at about 3.30 am this morning...this time I decided to record my thoughts.
As I lay here in the early hours of the morning, around 4am is the usual time, I worry myself silly over the debt I have gotten myself into over my continual wanting of ‘more’. I am ashamed at who I’ve become, at the way I have allowed myself to be seduced and lured by envy? At how I’ve made decisions and promises that deep down I probably knew I couldn’t keep, and yet hoped for a way, which have merely led me further into debt and ended up letting myself and others down. For goodness sake I used to work in banking and advise people on their finances…How could I have let this happen to myself? I am guilty of the envy and competition that seems to have grabbed hold of me through the use of the internet. Obsession could be a good word for it. Certainly the internet is contributing to my temptation by bringing things within easier reach – just the press of a button, no exchanging of actual cash. Therein lies the problem… There is almost a jealousy and need to compete in those of us weak enough to succumb to these vices. Certainly I am guilty of this.
Instead of being satisfied with what I have and enjoying and making the most of them, I have been sucked into the addiction of wanting more and ‘keeping up’. This is ertainly no one else’s fault but my own. I have completely ignored the fact that I have no income with which to do such a thing.
I could ‘blame’ all sorts of things, from the pain and inability to play my music, to medication but the simple fact remains it is I who has gotten me into this mess, so it is I who needs to get myself out. Perhaps some of the pain I suffer from is partly psychological, in that the feelings of worry and guilt acerbate the symptoms. Is it the pain which wakes me at night which in turn causes me to worry, or is it the worry which causes me to wake in pain? Of course I also worry about the pain and symptoms as well as although I do my best to ignore, the simple fact is they are not getting any better and some are spreading. Is the Chiari getting worse? Is more nerve damage being caused?
I don’t always recognise who I am anymore. I have no motivation or drive, no enthusiasm; I just ‘float’ along getting by. I set myself goals and targets, yet fail to achieve them, often not even starting on the simplest of them, certainly not finishing them. I look around me and all I see is mess. I want to clear it, sort it etc… but it appears I don’t want to bad enough as I never do. I never change myself or the mess and yet deep down I know I really do want to live in a clean, ordered and tidy house. I want to be able to live in a house I would be proud to open the door to let visitors in, not one where I cringe with embarrassment and want to hide. And yet how does one get out of this rut and actually achieve? How do you discover the motivation, energy and drive needed to do something and then KEEP it that way? I often ponder these things, especially in the early hours of the morning or when I’m feeling low and overwhelmed by it all. I struggle with daily tasks, wasting inordinate amounts of time on the internet searching. Searching for what I ask myself. What am I REALLY searching for while I am scouring ebay, blogs etc… When I think about this in the early hours of the morning I just don’t know.
They say ‘less is more’ I’m not sure how true this is being someone who finds it very difficult to have less and is always wanting more, and yet deep down I know it is probably true. For example, I know if I was told I could only keep one or two of my Sasha dolls, I know which ones they would be, no matter how hard it was. Instead I am always wanting to add to my collection, and yet why? Can I really enjoy each and every one of them properly I ask myself when I am feeling this way?
The solution always seems so much clearer at this time of the morning when I am lying in bed after tossing, turning and fretting away. Come day time, it all turns into a blur again and the day becomes a repeat of the previous one where nothing is done or achieved and often I’ve spent money I don’t have. At this time of day I am able to look at things more rationally and believe I can cut down, sort, decide who and what to keep and who and what to sell or give away in order to restore both my bank account and peace of mind. Yet come day time when I look at my dolls, or other things, it seems so much more difficult and I keep making excuses, falling ‘in love’ all over again and not wanting to part with anything. However, if I am completely honest with myself I know I don’t NEED so much. I know who/what I would keep, favour if I really HAD to choose so why don’t I do so, as really I DO HAVE to choose. Wouldn’t I then enjoy them more without the guilt niggling away at me?
I worry that I will ‘lose’ money and that I won’t get what I spent on them. But does this really matter in the long run if I achieve my goal of being debt free and the subsequent peace of mind that will offer me, the tranquillity and proper enjoyment that I am seeking? How can I enjoy something that I don’t have ‘time’ for, that just sits on a shelf, in my studio amongst the rest of my ‘stuff/clutter’ I have accumulated over time. I am a hands on person preferring to enjoy, hold and ‘play/use’ rather than store and just look at my collections.
Can I do it I wonder? Can I really say enough is enough and actually do something about it? Something positive and constructive? I am good at writing plans and lists, but really no good at following them through. I have good intentions, but come morning they all blow out the door. What I actually need to do is DO IT! This doll addiction has spread to other areas of my life as well. Too much of everything to the extent that I can’t keep anything tidy, or find places to put things away. It really is time to start doing something about this before I am completely swallowed up. But WILL I? By doing this I should then be able to achieve those things that are important. Things that I’d really like to do and places I’d like to see.
To start this is really simple IF the first step can be made. I need to view things with a new eye, a new perspective. There are so many hints, sayings and guides out there, many of which really do make sense, but do I take any notice? Sure I’ve read the books….Instead of smiling when I walk from room to room, my heart sinks at the mess and enormity of all I’ve got to do and sort through.
It is not just dolls I have obsessed over. I have been like this over many of my interests and hobbies over the years, whether it be music, instruments, books, cavies, but most especially dolls. Whatever is the main driving force/hobby at the time almost becomes my sole focus at the exclusion of everything else. I need to be good at something, I need to keep busy, have focus and something to work/strive towards, a goal. With the music I had this… I had grades to achieve, qualifications to gain and music to learn and perform. It was a positive type of driving force that kept me ‘alive’ and motivated. Although I don’t miss the stress that sometimes caused, it was in many ways a more positive type of stress than that which I have now which perhaps is a more insidious type of stress that is less obvious.
It is time to really try and do something about this – perhaps that will help ease the pain I suffer from, perhaps not, but what it will do I am sure is ease the worry and stop the guilt that often consumes me, but then tempts me to go and do more of the same…buy more and more! I’ve got to realise changes won’t happen overnight, however much I want them to. Nor in a day, or a week, but rather over a period of time. These problems have come about over a long period of time and so therefore it is going to take some time to change, change the way I think, do, behave and achieve. This is surely the first step. Taking note of achievements not failures. Remembering it is those first few steps that pave the way forward.
It is time to say NO to myself. Stop looking at things for sale, really THINK before buying, walk away, don’t make immediate decisions…don’t be tempted by the need to be the same, remember what I do have that is special and enjoy.
The very first thing I need to do is to say no to something that is going to put me further in debt. Something that I hate to do, as I feel like I am letting people down, breaking promises I had really genuinely meant to keep, but by keeping will only contribute to me sinking deeper and drowning. No matter how much I don’t want to do this, I need to face the reality that really I have no choice and should have made this decision so much earlier, but kept hoping that a way could be found to clear the way. I really believed I could do this, until I actually looked at just what the figures say and mean. For this I am really sorry, but hope that I will eventually emerge as a better person.
So that is the start, saying no and apologising.
Next is to actually DO.
I will try and keep a record, but need to impose a limit on myself to remove myself from temptation, as without doing such a thing I will be tempted and may very well succumb. I will need help with this, I’m not sure I can do it alone.