It's happening!

So Henry is bouncing with joy at the thought of his next overseas adventure!  

Yes we are bound for the USA and the Sasha Festival in July.

My commitment to selling some of my most beloved dolls paid off both my credit card debt ( I can only begin to tell you what a relief and feeling of peace that brings), and has allowed enough extra for me to go the festival.  Some of you may remember my bare all post here on 'thoughts, debts, obsessions and what to do about it! way back in September last year.  Well although I made some attempt then to sort out the situation - and nearly did, I didn't do it properly - I didn't fully clear my debt and of course it crept back up again to giant proportions this year.  I knew that there was no way I could continue like that for both my peace of mind and also if I ever wanted to go on a trip such as the Sasha Festival, so set to achieving my debt free goal.

So thank you to the lovely people who have bought my dolls and offered them such wonderful homes. It has been very sad to see them go, but also a feeling of relief, that only someone who has been a similar situation can probably fully appreciate.  Two still to leave soon....just waiting for their journey date and two unsold, but hey they can stay if they really want to.   I still have a couple of instruments to sell and I am hoping that I will achieve selling those as well - I can then put that aside for other expenses.

Of course after the festival I won't have anything left over, so will have to think of some ways to earn a little bit of 'Sasha Spending Money'  as I know (like we all do) that I will want to treat myself and my little clan every now and again. I will do what others do and only spend what is in my paypal account.  No more evil CREDIT CARD! I have decided I will start sewing and knitting to sell in earnest having only really dabbled in it every now and again. I will sell under the label 'Muriel Makes' which is the name of my lovely Singer 201K Sewing Machine and a name I have used for the last few years (selling at craft fairs before I stopped doing them) when making and selling other craft type items such as bags, purses, etc... I will of course have to continue to pace myself against BAD pain flare ups - but I am learning more and more what makes the constant daily pain worse.  The doctors and specialists have made it quite clear that I will probably have this problem with pain, well pretty much from now on (oh that is encouraging) and the doctor has said he will fully support me with any applications I make for some kind of disability allowance, but somehow I just don't feel 'right' doing so plus from what I have read and heard the government don't make it easy to achieve this any more and at this stage I am not sure if I could cope with being told 'your condition doesn't meet our criteria'.  So many people out there with Chiari Malformation (CM) and Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) and the resulting Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) that often accompanies these issues are in a similar situation.  Crazy as MS is recognised and certainly CM has almost identical symptoms!  Hey and I'm fortunate enough to have CM, TOS & CRaPS!  How lucky is that?!  However, whatever way I look at it I have the pain, have learnt to live with it, now have to accept that it is a part of my life and to get on with things.  Sure there will be both good and bad days, but that is just part of the package that is me, and hey, it could be far worse!   But that is enough of that.  This is a Sasha blog!

So in between planning for this trip, I have the swaps to organise - and have had quite a few people sign up already which is great.  Remember only two days left to sign up for this swap!  Plus I am going to start planning the sorts of things I am going to make to sell, trying to develop my own style.  I very much like making the studio type dresses and outfits so these will of course be included and I want to focus on using both vintage fabrics for these plus New Zealand fabrics for other clothing for both Sasha and Gregor.

This won't happen overnight as I am aware of my limitations and need to pace myself - there is that word again!

So onwards and upwards as they say.

Plus don't forget my giveaway - entries close Friday 31st May - I have had 34 so far!  

And if you read all that you deserve a medal!

A Catch Up and some Thank You's.

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me either on my blog or by email.  I have tried to reply to each person individually, but as some are 'no-reply' bloggers and I don't have contact details I haven't been able to so will reply via the lovely comments you sent.  With all your encouraging and supportive comments I am attempting to get back into blogging and hopefully will have some more Henry adventures coming up as I slowly have more energy.

On 19th February, Henry travelled with me into London for my appointment at Great Ormond Street Hospital to see the Pain Specialist.  We went up earlier than the appointment time as it was such a lovely day and I thought it would be nice to spend some time in the park.  We were surprised to see the daffodils out.

Ours at home are only just showing their buds, so Henry was delighted to see the flowers in bloom and it almost looks like he is having a conversation with one of them!

So glad we got to spend a little time enjoying the sunshine as we haven't had any since!

I'd fallen and hurt my back quite badly a week or so before my appointment so asked the doctor about it as it was and is still very painful.  Not much joy there unfortunately.  I wish the guy I saw a while back was still in the country as I am fairly sure he would have been able to do something to help me.  I am very wary about trying anybody else, so guess I will just have to 'wait and see' as the pain specialist said.  Hey ho.  I have to go back and see him in April.

I am on the homeward stretch with only two more weeks of meds to take and then hopefully things will return to 'normal' whatever that may be.  The headaches have been easing up, although had a whopper of one yesterday, but woke up headache free today so thought I would write a blog post while I can.

~~~~~~~~~~

Henry and Rory received a wonderful surprise package in the post yesterday from Aunty Kendal and to say they were delighted with it is an understatement.  They received their first ever pair of Dolly Doodle joggers! Wow!  They had to borrow a t shirt from Connor and James - but as the t shirts hadn't been worn yet (as they didn't have anything to match it) all was okay. 

Here they are thinking they look very trendy, when it was pointed out to them by their Dear Aunty Kendal, that boys wear their joggers 'pulled down'!  She also reminded them about Henry's white t shirt (at least someone remembers what is in their wardrobes!)  so Rory borrowed that and it looks so much better with the arctic joggers.

That looks better boys!

Three cheers for Aunty Kendal!

Thank you dear Kendal for making two boys very happy.  They can now join the ranks of the lucky boys who own a pair of Dolly Doodle Joggers!  I can't see them taking these off for some time!  In fact I am fairly sure they slept in them last night. ;-)

On another positive note I did some sewing yesterday as well, before my headpain rendered me completely useless!

For Christmas I got a wonderful present from Sarah W.  A DIY package!

Some wonderful fabric I had long admired.  I finally used it yesterday and made a dress modelled by my lovely 1960s Pale Skinned Gotz girl Bethany.  I was going to make her some tights that went better with the dress as well, but by the time I had finished the dress I knew that I wouldn't be able to concentrate any longer.

Hopefully will get some tights made for her today.

Progress report...

So how am I doing at reducing my debt and selling my dolls you may be wondering?

I have managed to sell 7 of my beloved Sasha/Gregor dolls, but am happy to report they have gone to some really lovely homes.  It has been really hard and a couple of dolls in particular I really miss.  I have sold almost all of my Tressy collection as well as various other dolls, amounting to about 45 dolls in total, (oh I wish they brought in the sort of prices Sasha dolls do!)  including the Sasha dolls.  Sadly some I made the mistake of starting the listing at 99p thinking that I would get more than one bid, only to have to sell a gorgeous Crissy family member in her original clothes at that price - heartbreaking!  On a whole most buyers have been really lovely, but I did strike one pretty horrible buyer unfortunately.  Then of course there are the dreaded evilbay and paypal fees, that seems to reduce the amount brought in significantly as well!

I have managed to reduce a significant part of my debt, (will feel so much better when the dreaded credit card has been cleared) but do have a bit further to go so will have to do some more hard thinking and reducing.  I am finding it easier to resist, although it is still difficult at times!  Especially hard was going to the Sasha fun day and looking at all the wonderful items available and having to say no.  I am learning what I really like and making do with things I already have.

I have started doing a 'Doll Inventory' going through all the dolls I have collected and gathered over the years and accessing the what, whys and wherefores...  quite an interesting process.

I am making reasonable progress at the sorting and tidying, but it has to be done in stages, depending on how I feel physically.  I have volunteered to do the Christmas dinner this year, so I have a deadline to get things really sorted and cleared for now.  Usually my MIL has Christmas round her place, but she found it really difficult coping with it all last year, so I said come round here instead.

Well just a little update to let those who were thoughtful enough to email me and give me their support, wishes and ideas.

Off to Southampton tomorrow

Henry is off to Southampton tomorrow as we are going to visit my older son who is at Warsash Maritime Academy training to be a Navigation Officer.  We haven't seen him or his accommodation since he moved down there at the beginning of September as our holiday clashed with his starting date...a case of poor timing.  We offered to cancel our holiday but he said to still go which was thoughtful of him.  Unlike a lot of Universities and Colleges our son has to wear a uniform, so he has requested an iron, ironing board and clothes airer!  Fortunately we had spares of these so we will take them down there tomorrow.  Hopefully the weather will be good as we have had quite a down pour this afternoon.

Henry can't wait as he is looking forward to seeing some of the ships.  I can imagine he will want a naval uniform next!

Progress is being made and a doll that was sold was posted on her way today.  Several others have bids on them, and although I shouldn't think they will sell for much (they are not Sasha dolls) at least it will be a little bit, and every little bit counts!  Not much else has been done today I have to confess as I have had a bit of an off day.  I had a bad headache - think I will have to start calling them Chiari head - yesterday, and although by mid day it had pretty much cleared and I got several cleaning and tidying jobs done, I think it has had an after effect as I've just not been quite right today.

No photos I'm afraid as my husband had to borrow my computer today to take into London, so I am using another to post this.  Hopefully will have lots of photos of Henry in Southampton tomorrow!

Progress report

Well what can I say but WOW about the response I got to my post yesterday, and an amazing thank you to all the wonderful friends who wrote such thoughtful and supportive emails and comments to me.

It feels good to have acknowledged things publicly so to speak, but of course now I have to actually start 'doing' whilst reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day and my problems and house won't be sorted that quickly either.  I will make small steps at a time and acknowledge the progress made.  As an often impatient person, and as a teacher once told me, a perfectionist, this is where the difficulties occur and I think why I have often given up in despair.  

I spent most of yesterday sorting through a couple of doll boxes, taking photos and listing things on ebay and whilst I think I've made more mess in the process, I have sorted out about 16 assorted dolls to sell and whilst they probably won't sell for much they WILL reduce the debt (or at least going towards paying the interest)  AND declutter to some extent.  I still have a very long way to go and at first it felt like I had achieved nothing. It is amazing how long it takes to photograph each item and edit the photos.  Kendal has been helping me 'look' at my dolls with a new eye and with the process of deciding who is to be re-homed and to view them afresh.  Henry was close on hand to support me. :-)

I had to remind myself that I still managed to cook my husband a lunch, do the dishes, fold a basket of washing and even allowed myself a few minutes to go and enjoy my roses.  I also managed to do some  knitting for the dolls in the evening.

It really looks like it is a beautiful day outside today and I hope that that in itself will bring the inspiration to keep on working at it.  I just need to make sure I pace myself as often do too much, end up in more pain and then give up.  Little and often...

Well onwards and upwards as they say.  I have to continually remind myself to keep going and not give up...it is very difficult this doll addiction as many of you have acknowledged...I'm sure they take on a life of their own at times at tempt us to do their will!  ;-)

Thank you again dear friends for your ongoing support.

Thoughts, Debts, Obsessions and what to do about it?

I am posting this both here and on my Balancing Kiwi blog.  Yet again I woke at about 3.30 am this morning...this time I decided to record my thoughts.

As I lay here in the early hours of the morning, around 4am is the usual time, I worry myself silly over the debt I have gotten myself into over my continual wanting of ‘more’.  I am ashamed at who I’ve become, at the way I have allowed myself to be seduced and lured by envy?  At how I’ve made decisions and promises that deep down I probably knew I couldn’t keep, and yet hoped for a way, which have merely led me further into debt and ended up letting myself and others down.  For goodness sake I used to work in banking and advise people on their finances…How could I have let this happen to myself?  I am guilty of the envy and competition that seems to have grabbed hold of me through the use of the internet.  Obsession could be a good word for it.  Certainly the internet is contributing to my temptation by bringing things within easier reach – just the press of a button, no exchanging of actual cash.    Therein lies the problem… There is almost a jealousy and need to compete in those of us weak enough to succumb to these vices.  Certainly I am guilty of this.

Instead of being satisfied with what I have and enjoying and making the most of them, I have been sucked into the addiction of wanting more and ‘keeping up’.  This is ertainly no one else’s fault but my own.  I have completely ignored the fact that I have no income with which to do such a thing.

I could ‘blame’ all sorts of things, from the pain and inability to play my music, to medication but the simple fact remains it is I who has gotten me into this mess, so it is I who needs to get myself out.  Perhaps some of the pain I suffer from is partly psychological, in that the feelings of worry and guilt acerbate the symptoms.  Is it the pain which wakes me at night which in turn causes me to worry, or is it the worry which causes me to wake in pain?  Of course I also worry about the pain and symptoms as well as although I do my best to ignore, the simple fact is they are not getting any better and some are spreading.  Is the Chiari getting worse?  Is more nerve damage being caused?

I don’t always recognise who I am anymore.  I have no motivation or drive, no enthusiasm; I just ‘float’ along getting by.  I set myself goals and targets, yet fail to achieve them, often not even starting on the simplest of them, certainly not finishing them.  I look around me and all I see is mess.  I want to clear it, sort it etc… but it appears I don’t want to bad enough as I never do.  I never change myself or the mess and yet deep down I know I really do want to live in a clean, ordered and tidy house.  I want to be able to live in a house I would be proud to open the door to let visitors in, not one where I cringe with embarrassment and want to hide.  And yet how does one get out of this rut and actually achieve?  How do you discover the motivation, energy and drive needed to do something and then KEEP it that way?  I often ponder these things, especially in the early hours of the morning or when I’m feeling low and overwhelmed by it all.  I struggle with daily tasks, wasting inordinate amounts of time on the internet searching.  Searching for what I ask myself.  What am I REALLY searching for while I am scouring ebay, blogs etc…  When I think about this in the early hours of the morning I just don’t know.

They say ‘less is more’  I’m not sure how true this is being someone who finds it very difficult to have less and is always wanting more, and yet deep down I know it is probably true.  For example, I know if I was told I could only keep one or two of my Sasha dolls, I know which ones they would be, no matter how hard it was.  Instead I am always wanting to add to my collection, and yet why?  Can I really enjoy each and every one of them properly I ask myself when I am feeling this way?

The solution always seems so much clearer at this time of the morning when I am lying in bed after tossing, turning and fretting away.  Come day time, it all turns into a blur again and the day becomes a repeat of the previous one where nothing is done or achieved and often I’ve spent money I don’t have.  At this time of day I am able to look at things more rationally and believe I can cut down, sort, decide who and what to keep and who and what to sell or give away in order to restore both my bank account and peace of mind.  Yet come day time when I look at my dolls, or other things, it seems so much more difficult and I keep making excuses, falling ‘in love’ all over again and not wanting to part with anything.  However, if I am completely honest with myself I know I don’t NEED so much.  I know who/what I would keep, favour if I really HAD to choose so why don’t I do so, as really I DO HAVE to choose.  Wouldn’t I then enjoy them more without the guilt niggling away at me?

I worry that I will ‘lose’ money and that I won’t get what I spent on them.  But does this really matter in the long run if I achieve my goal of being debt free and the subsequent peace of mind that will offer me, the tranquillity and proper enjoyment that I am seeking?  How can I enjoy something that I don’t have ‘time’ for, that just sits on a shelf, in my studio amongst the rest of my ‘stuff/clutter’ I have accumulated over time.  I am a hands on person preferring to enjoy, hold and ‘play/use’ rather than store and just look at my collections.

Can I do it I wonder?  Can I really say enough is enough and actually do something about it?  Something positive and constructive?  I am good at writing plans and lists, but really no good at following them through.  I have good intentions, but come morning they all blow out the door.  What I actually need to do is DO IT!  This doll addiction has spread to other areas of my life as well.  Too much of everything to the extent that I can’t keep anything tidy, or find places to put things away.  It really is time to start doing something about this before I am completely swallowed up.  But WILL I?  By doing this I should then be able to achieve those things that are important.  Things that I’d really like to do and places I’d like to see.

To start this is really simple IF the first step can be made.  I need to view things with a new eye, a new perspective.  There are so many hints, sayings and guides out there, many of which really do make sense, but do I take any notice?  Sure I’ve read the books….Instead of smiling when I walk from room to room, my heart sinks at the mess and enormity of all I’ve got to do and sort through. 

It is not just dolls I have obsessed over. I have been like this over many of my interests and hobbies over the years, whether it be music, instruments, books, cavies, but most especially dolls.  Whatever is the main driving force/hobby at the time almost becomes my sole focus at the exclusion of everything else.  I need to be good at something, I need to keep busy, have focus and something to work/strive towards, a goal.  With the music I had this… I had grades to achieve, qualifications to gain and music to learn and perform.  It was a positive type of driving force that kept me ‘alive’ and motivated.  Although I don’t miss the stress that sometimes caused, it was in many ways a more positive type of stress than that which I have now which perhaps is a more insidious type of stress  that is less obvious.

It is time to really try and do something about this – perhaps that will help ease the pain I suffer from, perhaps not, but what it will do I am sure is ease the worry and stop the guilt that often consumes me, but then tempts me to go and do more of the same…buy more and more!  I’ve got to realise changes won’t happen overnight, however much I want them to.  Nor in a day, or a week, but rather over a period of time.  These problems have come about over a long period of time and so therefore it is going to take some time to change, change the way I think, do, behave and achieve.  This is surely the first step.  Taking note of achievements not failures.  Remembering it is those first few steps that pave the way forward.

It is time to say NO to myself.  Stop looking at things for sale, really THINK before buying, walk away, don’t make immediate decisions…don’t be tempted by the need to be the same, remember what I do have that is special and enjoy.

The very first thing I need to do is to say no to something that is going to put me further in debt.  Something that I hate to do, as I feel like I am letting people down, breaking promises I had really genuinely meant to keep, but by keeping will only contribute to me sinking deeper and drowning.  No matter how much I don’t want to do this, I need to face the reality that really I have no choice and should have made this decision so much earlier, but kept hoping that a way could be found to clear the way.  I really believed I could do this, until I actually looked at just what the figures say and mean.  For this I am really sorry, but hope that I will eventually emerge as a better person.

So that is the start, saying no and apologising.

Next is to actually DO. 

I will try and keep a record, but need to impose a limit on myself to remove myself from temptation, as without doing such a thing I will be tempted and may very well succumb.  I will need help with this, I’m not sure I can do it alone.